Why I believe

By all accounts, given my upbringing, I should be a non-believer. It is amazing to me, as I look back, how I didn't stray. But here I will share my story of faith, how I have remained a believer in God, and why I have decided to leave my Protestant roots and become an Orthodox Christian. I will try to be concise.


As a child, about 4 or 5, I was shuttled to a Baptist Sunday School every week on a bus from my home, alone, without my mother and father, and this was because of their own choice. They chose not to attend church, but instead, to send me there by myself. I don't remember how long this went on but it was difficult. Sure, I had fun watching the teachers put the felt Bible characters on the story board and getting to draw and make things, but I had no family to enjoy the service with like everyone else there. My parent would take me to Long John Silver's or to the ice cream parlor when I got home, but they wouldn't go to church with me. I never could really understand this. I'm sure they had good intentions, but it left me feeling pretty abandoned.
A close relative finally got me into a regular routine at a different Baptist church, and there I began to make friends and feel somewhat connected. But my school life was totally different. Because I could read by age four and could not attend public school yet until age five (this was in the early 70's) I went to religious schools. First, Methodist, for one year then non-denominational for one year, then Lutheran for one year, then another Baptist for one year. My parents weren't too keen on the public school system where I grew up so private school it was. The Baptist school I attended was the absolute worst.
Now I am not knocking Baptists. As I said, the Baptist church I went to on a regular basis was really fun and I enjoyed the youth group, the minister's services, etc. I even wanted to get baptized at age 7. But I was told no. I was told that I was not ready yet. But I felt ready. Being at my regular church was so cool for me. And then come Monday morning I would have to go to that awful Baptist school.
Demerits for my skirt being too short. I was too young to wear makeup, but I could never cut my hair. Couldn't wear pants. Had to memorize x amount of Bible verses every week. I made D's and F's in just about everything, even though I was capable of so much more. Chapel every Friday. Couldn't fall asleep or that would mean a trip to the principal's office. One kid did and he got paddled so bad I will never forget him sitting in the back of the class red eyed and snivveling (sp?) for the rest of the day. Having any kind of sexual questions/thoughts was considered absolutely forbidden, and no way would we talk about it. I tried to make up excuses every day to get out of going to school because I hated it that much.
Then, one day, while my parents were out of town and I was staying with my grandma, I decided that instead of studying for a test I'd just cheat. So I did. And I got caught. But instead of waiting until my parents were home to get approval to punish me, I got paddled on my lunch. I won't describe the event in detail but suffice it to say that it was one of the most humiliating things I have ever experienced. I had to hear the principal's condemnations of me with every whack of that paddle.
Once I did have the nerve to tell my mother (several months later) she listened, and I thought I would get the same thing again from her. But she was really cool about it. She took up for me, and I never went back to that school. I just don't think she realized what an abusive situation it was.
My mother held the values of a Christian, but also leaned toward the secular humanist side on a lot of things. So I was pretty confused. My dad wasn't one to think on a lot of those things so he just didn't discuss it. Why all the religious schools then, you ask? I don't know. I wish I could ask my mom now. But more on that later.
The fanatical evangelists tried to convert my family and tell us we were going to hell unless we repented and asked Jesus for forgiveness and confessed everything publicly. This I had a problem with, because so much in our life is private and we really need to have a PRIVATE relationship with God. So I've never understood this need to make everything public because, when it comes to organized religion, let's face it, people want to make YOUR business THEIR business. THEY know what's best for you; YOU do not. It becomes a gradual loss of critical thinking skills and giving over to mass group peer pressure tactics instead of treating God like the sacred being that He is. So I never bought into that.
I've also never bought into sending your money into some church as a way to buy your forgiveness from God, because that just ain't true. All the guilt tactics, suppressive thought control, you name it, I was part of it. I knew it was wrong, but I was a child, what could I do? If I voiced my opinion, I was told that I didn't know right from wrong, someone else would need to make those choices for me. But God would prevail and all would be made well.
I just didn't get it all. I was confused. I wanted a relationship with God but I didn't understand all these guilt tactics, all the "tent revivals" and "must be in the church 5-6 times a week for anything to make a difference." They didn't want you listening to secular music or take an interest in anything at all outside of the confines of the church. Having friends outside the church was a complete no-no too. So how could this be Christian? "Well, we have to set an example and lead others to Christ. No swearing, no drinking. No outside influences." Well where do I sign up????
On top of this, at this point, I was going to public secular school where I was being exposed to all these "evils." I couldn't communicate with kids my own age BECAUSE I DIDN"T KNOW HOW.
Then my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I watched her die a slow and painful death. She didn't exactly deny God, but wouldn't put her faith and trust in Him to help her through the tough parts either. I prayed for her continuously. People from the church, well meaning, would come by to visit, but it would always wind up in some sort of anger match with her telling them to get out and leave her alone, that she didn't need their God. This hurt me terribly. Because deep down, despite all the things I'd suffered, I knew God was there. Even though she was dying, and we had no money, and we had nothing, I knew God was there. In her happier moments, she would talk about when she played organ at her own church growing up, and she was a very talented organist.
When she played, I knew God was there. But the bitterness of the disease overwhelmed her spirit a lot of times. I truly believe that because she was so strong willed and determined to do things "her way" with no help from above, that God had to use the cancer to get her attention and say hey wait a minute I am here, you need to take a look at Me. Now why would I say such a thing? Because she wanted to live her life without God's direction. She made many decisions without consulting the Lord first, and many of those decisions had to do with me. I grew up feeling very abandoned intellectually, socially, and emotionally.
But there is good news. She finally accepted the Lord and laid down her gauntlet toward the end and it was a beautiful thing to witness. How do I know that she is in Heaven? Well nobody told me that she is, but I will share another experience I had, and this leads me to believe that there is a God and He is in my life, working for me.
On April 19, 1995, a man named Timothy McVeigh drove a rented Ryder truck with explosives into the building where I worked and murdered 169 people. Yes that is including the unborn child for those of you reading this that don't want to consider a fetus equal to a human life.
I was in the stockroom of the Social Security Administration. Had I been at my desk I would not be writing this right now.
Within maybe 2-3 minutes of that explosion I was standing under an enormous skylight. We're talking hundreds of pounds of glass. I suddenly remembered something over in a corner I needed to get. I went to get that item and that's when the explosion occured. That skylight shattered, killing two of my friends beneath it.
I will not go into gruesome details, but terrible things happened to my co-workers in between the time that bomb went off and those floors pancaked over my office. Many of them did not die instantly. Meanwhile, I was trapped and could not see or hear for several minutes. I had no idea what had just happened; could not grasp the magnitude of it all.
When I was rescued, I crawled out of the space where that skylight had caved in. I had to crawl past the bloody, broken and dead body of my supervisor to get out, someone with whom I had just been chatting 45 minutes prior.
Now why would God do such a horrible thing? Or how could He allow something like this to happen, especially to innocent children?
Timothy McVeigh was an evil man. He was filled with evil and hatred for his country and his government. He premeditated this event. I stared into the man's evil eyes at his trial. He looked back into my eyes. What I saw was an evil man with no remorse.
Satan is the most terrifying creature ever known to man. Satan is the reason bad things happen. It is not God. Many people simply do not understand this.
I had a dream about 2 days after the bombing. In it, my supervisor was standing in my kitchen using my telephone to call her husband to tell her that she was okay. I went into my kitchen and asked "What are you doing in my kitchen?" to which she replied, "Oh, I just needed to use your phone real quick."
"Well, why are you here?" I asked.
"I am here to tell you that I am okay, that everybody is okay. You need to stop worrying about us, because we are all great."
She had a smile on her face. She was wearing blue jeans and a purple sweater and looked like she was ready to go out and work in her garden. That's how happy she looked.
"Do you have a picture I can take back for your mom?" she asks.
Whoa....I'm thinking...
"Yes, she has been asking about you. Wants to know how you've been at work. I said you've been great, but she wants a picture of you. She's so proud of you. She wanted me to tell you that."
So in my dream, I go get a picture out of a hatbox and bring it back, and hand it to my boss.
"Great!" she says. "Now, listen, like I said, don't you worry, and you're going to do great in your job. I have to go now."
Then she gave me a hug, and my front door opened. Light filled my living room. Then, she was gone.
I woke up.
Now some might say this was just some dream, some stupid silly dream that my mind concocted to ease the pain of the event. But my heart tells me differently. That it was a message from God, telling me that my boss was okay, because the last image I had of her was truly horrible, you cannot imagine. And also, it let me know where my mom was. Of course, I always knew. But it comforted me just the same.
Now on to my decision to become an Orthodox Christian. Because of all of the conflict I've been experiencing with Protestantism, I began to look at a way to resolve this conflict, because I knew there just had to be something deeper. I looked at Catholicism, but I always came up with answers that left me uneasy, such as priest celibacy (this does not exist in Orthodoxy although bishops are celibate) the huge emphasis on Mary (Orthodox hold her in high regard but not to such an exalted status like Catholics) papal infallibility (the Pope is an earthly man therefore he is infallible) and purgatory (Orthodox do not believe in purgatory)

From wikipedia:
The Orthodox Church is the historical, unbroken One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church established by Jesus Christ and the Twelve Apostles, having maintained unbroken the link between its clergy and the Apostles by means of Apostolic Succession and Sacred Tradition.
The ecclesial communion which has never fallen into error nor deviated from the beliefs and traditions of the original Christian body, but rather has gone to great lengths to preserve them for future generations. All theological concepts, all explanations and expansions are compared to and validated by the original core beliefs; no deviation is allowed.
The Christian body which most closely adheres to the canons of the first seven ecumenical councils held between the 4th and the 8th centuries.

It has survived Communism, a period of serving under Islam, the Great Schism, countless wars, persecution, yet it thrives today.
With the problems facing our society today, to walk into an Orthodox service and be enveloped by its beauty and mysticism is truly a healing art in and of itself.
In my opinion, many Christians would benefit from going back to their roots and exploring this rich and historic, beautiful tradition that does not engage in hate mongering, finger pointing, or judgmental name calling. Instead, what you see is a wonderful, spiritual, uplifting thing that can only be good and beneficial. God's love is all around us.
I cannot stand to see what has happened to modern Christianity today.
I have been to Russia (1990) and I have been inside some of the most beautiful Orthodox cathedrals: St. Isaacs in St Petersburg, the Lavra Monastery in Kiev, Cathedral of the Assumption in Moscow.
To meet Russians that were suppressed by a Communist regime and were finally allowed to pray again was an awesome experience. It is what planted the seed for me to do what I am doing now. I hope to help bring others to God and to Jesus by telling my story. I am but young in faith though. If God is to use me, He will do it in His way, in His time.

"Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost"
(Matthew 28:19)


Some interesting articles:


Click here to read an article from an anonymous Orthodox Christian concerning homosexuality:
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles4/AnonymousStruggle.php

C.S. Lewis, a writer who many considered to be Orthodox, although he was a practicing Anglican:
http://orthodoxwiki.org/C._S._Lewis

Here are some FAQ's about Orthodoxy:
http://www.ocf.org/OrthodoxPage/reading/questions.html